The Ironies of Being a Mental Health Blogger… When Mental Illness Gets in the Way of Blogging
Folks, I have to be honest here. The fact that I’m blogging is an irony in itself. Here’s a list of three things I hate:
- Talking about my feelings
No, but really. My least favorite assignments in school were always the ones that required me to write an essay. I suck at outward emotion. I’m not always a huge fan of talking. Or people. And my least favorite thing in life is talking about my feelings.
Pretty sure I just defined blogging.
But what I’d like to focus on today, are all the little reasons that being a mental health blogger is often..ironic…sometimes laughable…at best.
There seems to be this phenomenon among people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in which we metaphorically…but also quite literally…stuck. I guess that makes sense with the word obsessive being right there in the name of the disorder, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. It also doesn’t make it make anymore sense. I can barely even explain it. This means I’m and all or nothing person when I try to work on something. I don’t know how to split my days into cute little blocks of time, all with their own purpose (unless I have unbreakable appointments or other such things…). I can barely hop back and forth between house cleaning, working out, working on the blog, working on homework, etc. I often have to dedicate one entire day to one single task. “Today I work on homework”, “Today I binge clean my house”, “Today I work tirelessly on Blog stuff until I want to cry”. I get stuck on that one thing, and it’s almost physically painful to get up, walk away, and let it go. I used to get “stuck” staring at Facebook or Netflix late into the night when my husband was deployed. I’d start because I couldn’t sleep…then eventually it would just turn in to me avoiding sleep…then I’d be so tired it’d hurt…but there I was having to internally fight myself to shut down the computer and go to bed. Almost like trying to “fight” yourself awake during and episode of sleep paralysis.
Twitter- AKA the OCD Nightmare in Social Media Form
Social Media is a HUGE part of blogging and connecting with the people you’re trying to help. But there are some forms of social media that make me want to cry. Twitter is #1 on my list. Twitter is like the online embodiment of my mind. Random shit floating around and popping up everywhere, tid bits of conversations that make no sense, long strings of usernames on tweets that have been retweeted and quoted 100+ times. I never understood Twitter, I don’t really want to understand Twitter, and if you happen to venture over to my Twitter page, I apologize. I sincerely apologize. I promise I’m trying.
Sometimes It’s Time To Talk, Sometimes I Just Want To Be Left Alone
I started this blog primarily because I wanted to help people. Anyone who needs to hear that they are not alone. Anyone who needs to see that you can have a mental illness, and still live a decent life as a successful, functioning person. The thing is, depending on my mood, sometimes I want to poor my heart out to you all, and other days I need to think (and talk) about anything but that. Sometimes I just need to talk about things that make me happy. This means my blog is very here and there, and scatter brained. Much like myself.
Depression & Frustration
Alright, this one isn’t really limited to bloggers with mental health issues, but depression is a son of a bitch, and definitely fans the flames of writer’s block, frustration, discouragement, etc. Sometimes I write something and I think, “Who needs this? Who needs to hear what I think? There’s no point.” Sometimes I want to write but trying to put things in to words is just too much. Sometimes I want to kick myself for self-imposing one more responsibility on myself as if I didn’t already have enough I have to juggle.
For the love of all that is holy…can we chill with the pop ups? I know they are effective. I even have a few (around the perimeters of my home page) myself. Most sane people love the pretty pop ups with offers of freebies & email subscriptions. I’m happy for them. But they kinda make me want to cry.
Regardless, It’s Still Worth It
Every once in awhile I get a message, or a comment, thanking me for writing what I write. Even just the tiniest comment that proves that even just one person needed to hear what I had to say that day makes all of the hassle worth it.
Want to read more of my crazy ramblings about mental health? Click here!
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